I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i've created a new STD.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
