Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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