Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
