Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
