the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
