she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
