We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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