11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
