Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
how does that bad decision feel?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
