I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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