I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
