worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
