Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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