Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
