Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
