cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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