the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
