for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
