FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
