Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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