Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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