I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
