just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
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I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
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I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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