Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i need some magic done to my vagina
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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