I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
