You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
