My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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