I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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