You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
from now on my penis is your penis
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
