I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
