Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
