I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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