i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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