Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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