Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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