I think my vagina is haunted
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
