I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
