The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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