I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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