Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
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HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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