I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You don't make any sense
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