life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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