I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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