She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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