My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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