I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
