Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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