Is it because I queefed?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
