it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
