Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
