I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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