my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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