Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
