Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My hand turned me down
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize