Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
