2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
