Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
