just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
