What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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