Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
