A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
