I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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