And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
